The Wit, Wisdom and Neuroses of
Woody Allen

I have long been of the opinion that comedians are often our best critics, and perhaps none fills that role better than Woody Allen.  While Allen does not identify himself as a philosopher (he claims to have had only one philosophy course, which he failed by looking into the soul of the person sitting next to him to get the answers for his metaphysics exam), his movies, plays and essays routinely explore such important philosophical themes as the existence of God, happiness, morality, knowledge, and the meaning of life.  Yet despite this, his works are always immensely funny, poking sarcastic fun at the intellectuals who are the primary beneficiaries of his ironic sense of humor.  What I've collected on this page are some of Allen's most insightful witticisms, neurotic as they may be, in the hopes that some of us will gain some significant enlightenment from them; or at least be momentarily distracted from the terrible news that not only is the Universe is slowly falling apart, but on top of everything, your plumber is charging time-and-a-half.

I don't see the glass as half empty.  I see it as half full--of poison.
            from Scoop (movie: 2006)

Allan Felix:  Uh... that's quite a lovely Franz Kline, isn't it?
Intellectual Girl:  Yes, it is.
Allan:  What does it say to you?
Girl:  It restates the negativeness of the universe.  The hideous, lonely emptiness of existence--nothingness--the predicament of man, forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity, like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void--with nothing but waste, horror and degradation--forming a useless, bleak straitjacket in a black, absurd cosmos.
Allan:  What are you doing Saturday night?
Girl:  Committing suicide.
            from Play It Again, Sam (play: 1969; movie: 1972)

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Saturday.

There's nothing wrong with science.  Between air conditioning and the Pope, I'll take air conditioning.
            from Deconstructing Harry (movie: 1997)

I think what it boils down to, really, is that I hate reality.  And you know, unfortunately, it's the only place where we can get a good steak dinner.
            from Woody Allen on Woody Allen (book: 1993); for you Matrix fans, note the echoes of this in the meeting between Cypher and Mr. Smith

How can I believe in God when last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
            from Without Feathers (book: 1975)

There are no ghosts except in Shakespeare.  And many of them are more real than some people I know.
            from A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy (movie: 1982)

All people know the same truth: our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
            from Deconstructing Harry (movie: 1997)

You can't control reality.  You can only control art.  Art, and masturbation--two subjects I'm an expert in.
            from Stardust Memories (movie: 1980)

Peter (responding to Lloyd's claim to be working on something more terrifying than the atomic bomb):  Is there anything more terrifying than the destruction of the world?
Lloyd (a physicist):  Yeah--the knowledge that it doesn't matter one way or the other, that it's all random, radiating aimlessly out of nothing, and eventually vanishing forever.  I'm not talking about the world.  I'm talking about the universe.  And I get paid to prove it.
..........
Peter: We shouldn't be having this conversation.  I have to sleep alone tonight
            from September  (movie: 1987)

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads.  One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness.  The other, to total extinction.  Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
            from Side Effects (book: 1980)

Larry/Satan: You're too angry at life.
Harry: I've got a lot to be angry about.
Larry/Satan: So does everyone.  But sooner or later, Harry, you have to back off.  It's like Vegas: you're up, you're down.  In the end, the house always wins.
            from Deconstructing Harry (movie: 1997)

I'm thinking about committing suicide, but I have so many problems that it wouldn't solve all of them.
            from Anything Else (movie: 2003)

Is sex dirty?  Only when it's done right.

Boris:  Sonja, what if there is no God?
Sonja:  Boris Dimitrovich!  Are you joking?
Boris:  What if we're just a bunch of absurd people, who are running around with no rhyme or reason?
Sonja:  But if there's no God, then life has no meaning.  Why go on living, why not just kill yourself?
Boris:  Well let's not get hysterical; I could be wrong.
            from Love and Death  (movie: 1975)

The most beautiful words in the English language are not 'I love you', but 'it's benign'.
            from Deconstructing Harry (movie: 1997)

Life isn't completely sinister--only most of it.
            from Scoop (movie: 2006)

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
            from Deconstructing Harry  (movie: 1997)

But without God, the universe is meaningless.  Life is meaningless.  We're meaningless.  (Long pause)  I have a sudden and overpowering urge to get laid.
            from "God, A Play" in Without Feathers (book: 1975)

Marriage is the death of hope.
            from A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy (movie: 1982)

Life is truly chaos, I thought.  Feelings are so unpredictable.  How does anyone ever stay married for forty years?  This, it seems, is more of a miracle than the parting of the Red Sea, though my father, in his naïveté, holds the latter to be a greater achievement.
        from Side Effects (book: 1980)

I was once of the Hebrew persuasion, but I converted to narcissism.
        from Scoop (movie: 2006)

Wouldn't the world be better if there weren't so many groups that think they have a direct pipeline to God?
        from Deconstructing Harry (movie: 1997)

Andrew: I don't know who I'm talking to anymore.  I don't know you.
Maxwell: Nobody knows me.  Nobody knows me.
Andrew: Don't get melodramatic.  Are you a crazy person?
        from A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy (movie: 1982)

Sex is a beautiful thing between two people.  Between five, it's fantastic.